A Journal of a Lost Man
by FleursdeLis
Summary: This is Dean's journal from his days in Purgatory. It covers a lot of time that the show didn't cover while Dean was in Purgatory, and you get a good look at how I think Dean was feeling and thinking during the whole ordeal. Lots of hurt!dean Rated T for violence and language.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I neither own Supernatural nor the characters.

Summary: This is Dean's journal from his days in Purgatory. How he has a journal and everything will be answered in the story. It's written from Dean's perspective.

AN: This is a very dark story. You've been warned. Also, I think Dean lied to Sam when he said he was there only a year. My theory is that it was closer to ten, but I'm going to stick to canon. However, I don't think getting answers from the monsters was as easy as the show depicted, so here I am veering from canon. There will be a lot of Dean torturing. Once again, this is a dark story. Proceed with caution.

Also, look out for swearing. Dean is a hunter raised by a marine stuck in a land of monsters; I don't think he would be very happy.

One last thing, about canon. Dean was still human when he went to Purgatory. Still had his body, so I don't agree with the people who say he didn't need to eat. And I'm also going on the theory that regular animals end up in Purgatory too, because they're not human. (Except dogs and cats, they go to heaven in my book). So, Dean has to eat, and there will be all kinds of furry little critters running about.

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Day 3

I don't know whether I should be happy or pissed that I have Dad's journal. I'm happy 'cause that means I got something to write this mess in. I have something to help me figure out what the hell is going on. I have something to help me make sense of everything. However, I'm pissed 'cause that means Sammy is back on Earth hunting without the journal. What if he runs into something he doesn't know how to fight? No, he'll be fine. It's Sammy. He probably has this whole thing memorized.

Maybe I'll write this to you, Sam, because I sure as hell am not writing this to a journal like some girl. So, Heya Sammy! I gotta say, this sucks. Out loud. I'm stuck in Purgatory, of all places! Oh, and the reason I didn't start writing from the get-go was the fact that between nearly dying, fighting gorilla-wolves, and running for my life almost non-stop, it was pretty hard to actually sit down and write something.

I just hope you're alright back home without this journal, and without me. I know you don't need your big brother as much anymore, but man, Sammy, I need you. I can't believe I just admitted that. I must have lost more blood than I thought. You're a great hunter, Sam, so I'm sure you'll be fine, or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know.

And yes, before you ask, that is blood there on the page. I'm not in too good of shape, Little Brother. One of those bastard gorilla-wolves swiped my shoulder about an hour ago, and it won't stop bleeding. But don't worry. I've prayed to Cas, so hopefully he'll show up soon enough and heal me.

I bet you're wondering why he isn't with me. We got separated as soon as we got here. I think he got…I don't know, but he's not dead. I know it. I can feel it. He's out there, but I'm worried he's hurt 'cause he hasn't been answering my prayers. What if one of the gorilla-wolves got him? No, I don't think so. He probably just got separated from me. That's all. He's Cas, right? He'll be okay. I just hope he hears me soon. My shoulder won't stop bleeding.

I guess maybe I should tell you what happened from the beginning instead of just rambling, huh? Well, it all started when we killed Dick. I guess, when he died, Cas and I were too close and he pulled us in with him, landing us here in beautiful Purgatory. Cas explained to me where we are before the gorilla-wolves circled and attacked.

Man, am I glad I still got this demon blade. It has saved my life more than once already. Sorry you don't have it, Little Brother, but I think you'll be okay. Where was I? Oh, the gorilla-wolves attacked! They circled us, and all we could see were their eyes. I think Cas was still with me at this point, but I'm not sure. I was too worried about the huge, dark, hulking figures in the woods that had glowing eyes. They made these weird huffing noises, almost like they were communicating, and just rushed us all at once.

I didn't know how many there were. I just knew that there were too many. They charged in and starting swiping and clawing, thankfully missing most of the time. They were fast, too, almost wendigo fast. I ducked and dodged like a pro, though. I managed to get a few swipes of my own and drew some blood, but only succeeded in killing one of them. But when I killed it, it created an opening for me to get the hell outta Dodge. And I did.

I ran faster than I have ever run in my entire life. I can't say I'm proud to have run from them, but if I hadn't I would have died. So I hope you're not too disappointed in me for running. Anyway, I ran fast, and long. I don't know how long I had been running, all I knew was that my legs were burning and I couldn't get enough air. But I didn't stop. So maybe running isn't so weak, seeing as I ran until my legs literally collapsed beneath me. And I could still hear them coming.

I got up and started running again, looking desperately for a hiding place. I know, Sam, Winchesters don't hide, but I tell you, I had no choice. It was that or die. As seems to be the tradition of late. Finally, after running for another five or so minutes, I found a little opening beneath a tree and dove in. As I was sitting scrunched beneath the tree, waiting for the gorilla-wolves to catch up, I noticed something. I was bleeding.

With this newfound knowledge, I knew that hiding would be futile. These gorilla-wolves could probably smell me a mile away, if not more. It was my leg, probably injured when I collapsed, so I ripped up part of my undershirt and wrapped it the best I could. After that, I got out of that death trap. But when I emerged, I came face to face with the most god damned ugliest creature on the face of…Purgatory. It was staring me dead in the eyes.

Before I even could register that this ugly son of a bitch was a gorilla-wolf, I was flying through the air only to collide, hard, with a huge ass tree. I don't know what happened after that, I knew only that I must have blacked out. I didn't feel any pain though, right off, so that was good. And I couldn't have been out for more than a few seconds, because as I came to, trying my damn hardest to catch my breath, the gorilla-wolf was only just starting to head toward me. The damn thing had knocked the wind out of me when I landed against the tree, so as I lay there like a fish out of water, trying to breath, the ugly son of a bitch began sauntering, and I mean _sauntering_, towards me.

It stood a little awkwardly, like it wasn't sure if it wanted to stand on two or four feet. It was sort of hunched over, like a velociraptor. Only much scarier. I know, right, what the hell, other than a t-rex, could be scarier than a velociraptor? Well, I'll tell ya. Damn gorilla-wolves! They're all black, like black as night black. As black as night in purgatory black, which is pretty damn black. And their fur is all matted and dingy and dirty, like they've never heard of cleaning themselves, which they probably haven't. But I mean, even wolves, regular, good old wolves, know how to clean themselves. But not this ugly bastard, and man, was I glad there was only one. I don't know where its pack went, and I wasn't about to ask it.

As it sauntered over with a smug look of victory on its face, I finally managed to start breathing again. Thank Whoever. I pulled myself up into a sitting position, as I couldn't manage much more with the world spinning on its axis, and watched as the thing came over. As it got closer I got a good whiff at it, not voluntarily, and it stank! I mean, imagine a skunk with cow manure on it covered in zombie guts, and you may be getting close to the stench of this thing. Maybe.

As the world was still spinning and the gorilla-wolf with it, I accidentally closed my eyes. I don't know when I did, hell, I don't even remember agreeing to closing my eyes, but I did, and when I opened them again the ugly bastard was reaching down toward me with its five inch claws. Quickly, I dragged out the demon blade and stabbed the bastard through its throat, causing it to die a violent, bloody death. It got its damn blood all over me and then landed its dead body on top of me too! And this thing wasn't exactly a light weight. I mean, the thing had to be easily as tall as you, and three times the muscle mass, so it essentially crushed my legs and knocked the wind out of me again as it landed with a _thump_ on top of me.

I won't complain too much about the bastard though, because it's probably the thing that ended up saving my sorry ass. My head had been pretty banged up when I hit the tree, so for a while after I killed the gorilla-wolf I was drifting in and out. It was during one of my out periods that the rest of the pack showed up. I woke up to a tugging sensation on my legs and looked down, barely able to keep my eyes open, and watched as the gorilla-wolf I killed was dragged backwards.

Now, Sammy, I was only half awake, so to me it looked like the thing had somehow come alive again and was doing the worm off my legs. I don't know what was happening, so I made sense of it in the only way I could, by thinking _This gorilla-wolf can do the worm!_ So as I stared at the dancing gorilla-wolf, I didn't noticed any of the real lives ones until one shoved its nasty, snotty nose in my face. I stayed stock still, hoping and praying that it didn't notice me, whether it thought I was alive or dead, because either way I think I would have ended up being puppy chow. But as soon as it was in my face, it was gone. I think the dead gorilla-wolf's blood kept me hidden from them.

After a couple of minutes, or maybe hours, they finally moved off. Time isn't normal here, or maybe it is, I can't be sure, 'cause my first few days here were spent half-conscious or running for my life. I guess it to be about three days so far, though. After the gorilla-wolves moved off, I fell unconscious completely. Like out. For real. No more drifting, just sweet darkness.

I woke up later, once again, I don't know how much later, but it was daylight. Or what can pass as daylight here. There isn't a sun here, there's only dark, and not as dark. I'll call the not as dark daylight, but it really is a piss poor excuse for it. And man, Sammy, do I miss the sun. I never thought I'd be saying that again after I got out of Hell, but, as always, the universe loves to prove me wrong. And, I know I never told you, Sam, but I'm afraid of more than just airplanes. The dark scares me. Not nighttime darkness, but that pitch-black darkness that seems to swallow everything you ever were or could be. That pitch-black that's suffocating and threatens to smother you to death. That's the kind of nighttime that exists here, and I hate it. I can't stand it. And this nighttime here lasts longer than daytime. A lot longer. Instead of half and half like on Earth, it's more like seventy percent night, thirty percent day. I hope you find a way for me to get out of here soon.

Well, after I woke up I decided I should probably try to find shelter and take care of my leg, 'cause by this point it was throbbing. I limped awkwardly until, about three miles down, I finally found a stream. I hadn't realized how thirsty I was until I saw the stream, and then it felt like I couldn't get there fast enough. I rushed down to it, which was probably not my best idea, seeing as I tripped and ended up rolling into the stream. And if I thought Purgatory was cold before, well, I had another thing coming. It seemed impossible that the stream wasn't coated with ice, because it was cold enough to be. My limbs froze up right away and wouldn't respond to any of my commands, and it was only through pure luck that I managed to wash up against a rock and get pushed to shore by the current.

After a while of drifting in and out again I finally managed to get my arms and legs working to pull myself up onto the bank farther. I didn't feel thirsty anymore. I didn't feel cold. Hungry. Wet. Dry. Nothing. I felt nothing, and that's when I realized I was in deep shit. I'm not trying to worry you, Sammy, but I need to write this out. I don't know, it helps.

Well, I was in deep shit. I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything, they just kept sliding shut, and no feeling was coming back. I don't know how long I lay there on the bank, it could have been minutes, or days, or hell, even months. That's how out of it I was. But eventually, I don't know how or why, I began to feel cold, and thirsty, and hungry again. I felt my leg throbbing and the dull ache behind my eyes, so I convinced my body to drag myself down to the water's edge again and I drank. And man, water has never tasted so good.

Up until that I point I thought for sure I was a gonner. I thought that rooky mistake of falling into the stream was going to kill me. I thought I would never see you again, never see Cas. I'm not in a much better position right now, but at least I have a sliver of hope. Laying on that bank, I had no hope. I knew what was coming, I could feel that darkness of death pulling at me, but then I thought about you, Sam, and I thought about how I needed to get back to you. How I have to look out for my pain in the ass little brother, have to finish the one job I seem to always screw up. I can't screw up again, Sam. I just can't. I'll find my way back if you can't find me a way out. I promise.

After I finished, I swung myself around and took the ripped up part of t-shirt off my leg. It was soaked through with blood, and I could see the gash beneath it. It had stopped bleeding, so I cleaned it out the best one can in Purgatory, ripped up another part of my tee, and wrapped it again. After that I looked around for something to hide in, something to offer me shelter, and there it was. I spotted it just a few hundred feet up the bank. It was a small cave, just big enough to fit me, but it was big enough, and that's all that mattered. I dragged myself over, because there was no way I was walking. It was out of the question. Between my leg and the fact that the world wouldn't sit still even when I was laying down, I knew walking would lead to collapsing which would lead to rolling into the stream and then death, so I stuck to dragging. Just stop, Sam, I know what you're thinking. I was _not_ crawling. Well, I was, but it was a dignified crawl, an army crawl.

Damn, man, I mean, only a little over a day into Purgatory and I already have done three things I wouldn't have under any conditions. I ran. I hid. And now I was crawling. Man, Purgatory sucks. Out loud. I think I already said that, but I'm not sure. Did I tell you about my shoulder? No? Well, actually, I think it will have to wait. I'm getting tired. I'll just say this, and leave the details for later. A gorilla-wolf ripped it up good, and I think they have something on their claws that prevent blood from clotting, 'cause now it's been almost three hours and it's still going good. That's probably why I'm tired. I wrapped it the best I could, but the bandage is soaked through. It won't stop bleeding.

Speaking of which, where's Cas? I don't know how much longer I can last at this rate. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm cold. It's so cold here. Always. It never lets up, but it doesn't snow or anything. It's just cold. Maybe that's blood loss, too. I can't really tell. It's getting dark early today, so that's good, maybe. That means I can sleep. Or does it? I'm not sure. I know I'm not supposed to sleep during the night here, too many monsters, but I can't seem to stay awake. Already twice I've fallen asleep writing this.

I'll have to tell you about the day and half up to this point that I didn't tell you about later. It's getting colder, Sam. What am I gonna do? There's still a gorilla-wolf on my tail, Cas hasn't showed, and I'm bleeding to death. Where are you, man? Where's Cas?

Damn, Sammy, I'm so damn tired. I just…

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AN: Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think! If you have any suggestions for any adventures Dean may have had in Purgatory, let me know I'm going to try to update at least once a week, more if possible.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hey everyone! Um, yeah, I don't own supernatural, unfortunately, though Sam and Dean should probably be relieved at that. I like to torture them in stories, so.. Enjoy the story! Oh! And thanks for reading and for the follows!**

Day 15

Sam,

Sorry about not writing for a couple of days. I didn't mean to worry you. Hell, you probably weren't worried, all you have to do is turn the page, but still. It seems the last I said was that my shoulder was bleeding incessantly. Well, it's stopped. No more bleeding shoulder, though it took a hell of a lot of time to get it to stop.

Cas still hasn't showed. I hope he's okay. He _is_ okay, right Sam? I guess you can't exactly answer me. I know you probably want to hear about that day and a half I told you about, but it isn't important. I was running, the gorilla-wolf swiped me, and I killed it. Its pack mate came after me then. That's the one I was telling you was still on my tail, but I killed it too.

I learned a few new things here already, Sammy. Here are the unofficial rules of Purgatory according to yours truly:

The Rules of Purgatory

Never let your guard down. It's a sure fire to be killed or maimed.

Sleep only when necessary and only if you are up high in a tree or in a nice, defendable cave.

You have to kill bambi if you want to eat.

Stay by the stream.

Playing dirty is the only way to play.

Now, Sammy, I know you probably don't approve of most of the things on the list, but I assure you that it is all true, and it is all necessary. Purgatory is bit different than Earth, it seems. Monsters don't have to sleep or eat or anything because they're just souls, but I do. However, I don't have to do these as often as I do at home. I can go a day or so without food before I begin to feel the effects, and I can go three or four without sleep before I begin to feel it much. Thirst, however, is always there. I always feel thirsty. I don't know whether it's from all the running or if it's something to do with this place, but it's there. So I make sure to always stay by the stream.

I began looking for Cas. I figure that something must have happened to him for him not to have showed up. I mean, I pray to him every night, you know? I tell him how I'm doing, ask him to come find me, and just hope he hears. I don't know if he can though. Maybe he isn't hurt, maybe he just can't hear my prayers.

Right now I'm sitting up high in a tree writing to you. I can only write before I go to sleep, and I don't sleep more than I have to. I can't take the time to stop and write any other time because I'm neck deep in monsters and running. Always running. I fucking hate running, and that's all I do here. Well, running and killing. The killing part isn't all bad, I mean, I'm still hunting monsters, so.

Don't be disappointed in me, Sam. I have to kill them. There's no grey here, no matter how good a soul may have been on Earth. It's all out kill or be killed, no in between. And no one is above cheating. If you don't play dirty, you die. If you try to be fair, you die. You try to reason, you die. Of course, I haven't died yet, so I guess you know where that leaves me.

This place is a place of all out brutal warfare, three-sixty degree combat, and they don't come at you one at a time like in the movies. If there is more than one monster, then they attack all at once. If it's a pack of monsters, then they usually have a strategy. I hate the pack monsters, because they're smart. Too smart. Freakishly smart. They organize their attacks and come at all angles, and they take turns attacking so you're always fighting, you get no break, whereas they do get a break because they're strategizing. It isn't fair, but I guess nothing about Purgatory really is. While they may have numbers on their side, I have speed and smarts. I can attack and dodge and swipe and kill without having to worry about another member of a group. I don't have anyone else to worry about. I never thought I would miss that so much.

I miss you, Sam. I miss having someone to watch my back, and I miss having to watch someone's back. I know, you probably don't want to hear me complaining, but I just can't handle this. This loneliness. I hate being alone, I always have. When you left for Standford, and wow, does that seems like eons ago, I was all alone. Sure, Dad was there, sometimes, but he never filled the gap you left. After you left, and then Dad left, I was all alone. Truly. And here I am again. No Sam, no Cas, no anyone. Nothing. Just myself and the dark forests of Purgatory.

Okay, I think that's enough self-pity for one night, yeah? Maybe it isn't self-pity though, maybe I've just reached the point in my life where I have to tell someone what I'm thinking before I go insane. Because, chances are, you'll never get to see this journal. I probably won't make it out of here. It's been over two weeks and I'm still stuck here. I don't know how you're progressing up top with getting me out, but I really hope you're closing in on the solution, 'cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Enough belly aching, you want to hear the story of how I killed the last gorilla-wolf that was on my tail? Okay, here ya go, Little Brother. So I was waking up after I passed out while writing to you last time, and at first I wasn't sure what woke me, so I just sorta laid there staring at the lack of sky. My shoulder was still throbbing, but I looked down and saw, thankfully, that it had finally stopped bleeding, but it still hurt like a bitch!

As I came to a little more I realized what had awoken me. A dark shadow was starting to loom over me, and it was gradually blocking out the little bit of daylight that exists here. I looked up and standing over me was the last gorilla-wolf. After I killed its partner and incapacitated this one with a blow to the head it must have caught my scent again because it was standing right over me. It bared its ugly yellow teeth and began leaning over towards me, trying to get to my throat.

It still felt like I had cotton in my head from passing out from blood loss, but as soon as I saw it leering over me, my head cleared. I don't think I've ever moved so quickly in my life. I scooted back and out from under the creature while digging out the demon blade. It followed me back almost effortlessly, and that's when I realized just how screwed I was. My movements were slow and uncoordinated while this thing moved a smoothly as a ballerina and without having to put any thought toward which limb moved when, which is what most of my thought was taken up with. Still, I managed to dig out the demon blade, and somehow, even though I was seeing two gorilla-wolves instead of one, I managed to stab it right in the eye.

The thing screamed and howled and writhed all over the place for what seemed like an eternity but was no more than a few seconds before it finally fell to the ground with a loud thump. I ripped the knife from its dead face and, summoning all the rest of my energy, I got to my feet and ran. I ran for hours, or minutes, maybe only seconds, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I got away from the dead thing lest its buddies show up and track me down too.

I'm still not sure if there are any more gorilla-wolves out there with my scent, but it's been a good five days and I haven't seen a sign of any. I have run into plenty of vampires though, which brings me to my next point. Finding Cas.

Sammy, please, please don't be disappointed in me. I already know you will be, but I gotta do what I gotta do. What if Cas is out there, hurt and alone? Am I supposed to just roll over and wait for him to show up? What if he's dying? I can't take that risk, and I don't want to lie to you, either, so I'm just going to come out and say it. I torture the vampires and werewolves and whatever else is unlucky enough to cross my path. I torture them for information on Cas.

I swore I would never torture again, because I thought for sure it would kill me, but I think sitting around and twiddling my thumbs while Cas may be dying is a more sure fire way to kill myself than torturing. I can't handle that, so I have to get information. Most of the monsters don't know anything solid, just that they knew he was here somewhere, but once I got one that had almost real information. He told me he felt Cas's presence somewhere along the stream, so that's where I'm staying. That's the second reason why I'm staying close to the stream. Cas is here somewhere.

I won't go into the details of my tortures, I'll spare you that, 'cause you're my little brother, and I know you don't want to hear about it. I wouldn't want to if I were you. I wouldn't want to know how it would be eating at my brother's soul, how my brother would be basically buying himself a ticket into Hell. But it doesn't matter, all that matters is finding Cas and getting the hell out of Dodge.

Also, I'm including the number of souls I've tortured here. I don't feel it would be right to just forget them, as much as I would like to. Torture isn't right, so maybe if I remember them, it won't be so bad. I may be able to hold on to my humanity. Over the past two weeks I've tortured three: two vampires and one werewolf.

So now I'm sitting here, getting ready to send up my prayer to Cas. Since chances are you will never see this journal, I'm gonna write my prayers down, so I don't forget. Forget what, right? I don't know, maybe I'll forget that he might be able to hear me, maybe I'll forget that this helps me as much as I hope it helps him, maybe I'll forget about him. I'm afraid I'll lose myself here, Sam, that I'll forget about you and Cas. I know, it seems ridiculous, but this place has that kind of vibe. A vibe of forgetting. Almost like Hell. I can't forget what you guys mean to me, so I'm going to include my prayers.

On the very slim chance that you find a way to spring me and I actually let you have this journal to read, you won't read my prayers to Cas. They're between him and me, no offense to you, it's just the way it is.

I feel I'm rambling now, and I probably shouldn't be. I have to get to sleep, it's been four days since the last time I slept. Like I said before, I'm safe, well as safe as one can be in Purgatory, and I'm hanging on for you. I'm not giving up yet just because it's been more than two weeks and I haven't seen heads nor tails of you, and I'm not giving up because I need to find Cas. Just Sam, please hurry. I don't know how much longer I can last in this darkness.

* * *

_Dear Castiel,_

_It's Dean. I'm doing better now. My shoulder is almost healed, it's stopped bleeding and reopening, so that's something. I've written to Sam again. I know he's looking for us, and I have faith that he'll find a way to get us out, but first I gotta find you. If you can hear me, I'm by the stream. If you can't teleport or fly or whatever is you angels do, stay by the stream and I'll find you, Cas. I'll find you._


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying it. Here's another installment. If you're wondering when Benny'll be coming in, it'll be around the three month mark probably. Also, I don't own Supernatural.**

Day 24-ish

Sam,

Hey man, it's been a while. Like nine or ten days, yeah? A lot can happen in ten days. I don't know where to start on this one, my heart really isn't into this, but I know you'd want to hear from me. I'm tired, man. Just so tired. Tired of fighting, of running, of searching for Cas. Tired of it all.

I tortured some more sons of bitches in these nine days, probably around fifteen. I lost count, or rather, I lost the ability to care about it. I don't know why I thought it would be important to know the number. It isn't really. When it comes down to it, they're all just one being, just one faceless entity that I made scream for its mother. And it doesn't matter, really, 'cause none of them had any information. It's their own fault they were tortured by me, they should have just said they didn't have anything, but they're all stubborn. I guess I can't fault them for that, because I'd be the same way, but they're really just making it harder on themselves.

You know, I had this one vampire all nice and set up, I was herding it into a trap I made. Of course, the dumb shit thought I was running from it! Yeah, _me,_ Dean fucking Winchester, running from a lowly vampire. Ha! So I led it right into my perfect vampire trap. The net fell and grounded the damn thing so fast it didn't know what hit it, and before it could orient itself I jumped it and pinned it to the ground, using the net to wrap it up nice and secure before hauling its ass over to a tree and tying it up.

Now this vamp, it was a screamer. Most of them cry and beg and are just generally fucking annoying, but not this one. After I tied it up good and made it so that if it moved its head would be chopped off, I kneeled in front of it. It looked at me then, with such fear in its eyes, and I just had to stop and appreciate my work. I mean, I hadn't even started on the thing and it was afraid of me. I must have a reputation even down here now.

So I knelt in front of the bastard and asked it once where the angel was, and, of course, it just started at me. Didn't say a single word, but its eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. So I casually pulled out the demon blade and held it up to its eye, its right one, and brought it within a centimeter. I asked it again where the angel was, and again it was silent. It didn't even flinch this time, so I began thinking maybe the whole fear thing was an act, but then again, maybe I had it so scared it was just frozen. It didn't really matter, I really didn't care, so I just scraped its eyeball with the knife and laughed when it groaned in pain.

I gave it another chance, then, to tell me where Cas was, but it still didn't answer. It didn't say it didn't know, and it didn't say it knew, so I broke a finger. It hissed then like a fucking snake, as if it could possibly intimidate me with a hiss. But this one, I could tell, was a fighter. It would be a good torture session, nice practice for when I move on to bigger, better monsters.

I cut and carved and made some pretty good artwork on this vamp, but still it refused to say anything. It took a good fifteen minutes before it began screaming, so I had to respect the thing, if only a little. It's hard to resist screaming when you're being tortured by yours truly. I know, because I learned from Alistair, and it was _damn _hard to resist screaming with him, and he often said I was nearly as good as him.

By this time the thing's right arm was literally hanging on by a thread, its bone, muscle, and tissue severed and destroyed beyond recognition. It was sweating and groaning and making all these god awfully pleasant-to-my-ear noises, and its voice was rough and grating after screaming for a good ten minutes straight. I don't know how its little monsters friends didn't hear it, but no other thing came to its rescue, so I just continued. I asked it again if it was ready to tell me where Cas was, and it just stared at me. I shrugged, I really didn't mind having to tear it up some more. It was relieving, fun even, and I always feel better afterwards, 'cause all my stress and despair that maybe you abandoned me just goes away.

After about an hour or so, like I said before time doesn't mean much here, I finally killed him off. He lasted longer than most do, and he didn't say a word. It was nice, to be able to torture someone with such stamina, such endurance. It was…refreshing, really. Most of the monsters don't last more than fifteen minutes, and this one didn't start screaming until fifteen minutes in. I have to say, I respected the vamp, if nothing more.

That was the only remarkable soul I encountered in these nine days. I had a run in with a pack of werewolves. They got me pretty good, but I just patched it up and carried on. No use worrying over something you can't fix. If I get infected, then so be it. I don't have anything to clean the wound here other than the stream, and it'll have to do for now.

I'm beginning to think that maybe Cas doesn't want to be found, because surely, if he was hurt or unable to hear me, he would have been looking for me too, right? Maybe. It's what I would know is the right thing to do, but then again Cas doesn't exactly have the best record of doing what's right. No, he does what he _thinks_ is right, and we all know where that leads. Nowhere good.

So maybe he's avoiding me. I can't say I blame him. Hell, I'd be avoiding me too. I mean, I've become a monster. I'm no better than the things we hunt, what with how I torture them and enjoy it. I mean, how much farther down on the Dick scale can I get without becoming something other than human? I don't think much farther. Which leads me to my next point, maybe that's why you haven't come yet. Do you know, somehow, what I've been doin' here? Do you know? Is that why you've left me here so long?

I guess it doesn't really matter when it all comes down to it. I'm still here, Cas is God knows where, and you're partying it up back on Earth. So I guess I just have to keep my head down and keep fighting. I have to find my own way out. I can't wait any longer for you, Sam. I've given you a month, give or take, and I can't wait anymore. I'm going to find Cas, if he wants to be found, and get us the hell out of here. I just hope that when I do you'll forgive me for everything I had to do to get out. I really hope so.

Since you'll probably never see this, considering how things are going so far, then I guess I can say that I miss you. I miss my little brother. I miss having someone to watch my back. It sucks. Being alone, that is. I never was good at doing 'alone.' I like, no, I _need_ someone to look after. It's my job. My purpose. Here? Here it's just me, and, frankly, I can't care less about me. The only reason I'm still fighting is you and Cas. I can't leave you guys alone. Or, maybe, I don't want to be alone. Because see, I know you two don't need me. I know that. And as much as it kills me every single God damned day, I can see that. But man, I need you. I need Cas. I need my family. And I know it probably doesn't seem that important, I probably just sound like a whiny bitch, but it's true. I can't do alone.

I know, enough bitching. Okay. Just keep looking, Sammy, and I'll keep looking. Between the two of us, we will find a way to get Cas and me out. I know it. I've been tracking a rugaru that might have info on Cas, so I'll let you know next time I write. I don't know when that will be, so just hang in there and keep looking. I'm not giving up yet, as much as I want to.

* * *

_Dear Castiel,_

_It's Dean. Again. Listen, I'm doing well. Just a scratch from a werewolf, but I should be fine. How are you? And where are you? I need you to find me, man. I'm trying to find you, but all I got is a bunch of dead ends and dead monsters. I still don't know if you're hurt or just being a dick, and I don't know which one I hope you are, 'cause both are gonna piss me off, just in different ways. If you can hear me, Cas, stay safe and stay by the stream._

**AN: I know this one is shorter, but Dean was tired and just attacked by a werewolf pack, which we will see the implications of that attack in his next letter to Sam. Please review, let me know how I'm doing. Thank you.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews and reads! Enjoy the story! **

**I don't own Supernatural.**

Day 27- I'm pretty sure. Like, 47.5% sure.

Sam,

I really don't know which day it is, but it seems like three days since I wrote last. I know I'm writing sooner than I usually do, and I have good reason for it. I don't think I'm going to make it out of this one. Remember that werewolf pack I told you about? About how they attacked me? Well, the wounds they left me with got infected. It's pretty bad, too. Not to mention I have had more monsters on my ass than should be possible, and it isn't easy fighting them off with an infected leg and arm. I do my best, though often, it seems, my best isn't good enough. I just keep getting knocked down, getting scratched up, and getting pushed around. My wounds keep reopening every time they scab over or they start bleeding as soon as they stop because I have to fight another monster.

The wounds are getting worse each day, so I made time to stop and write to you. I can barely walk. I can't catch food or a break. The bastards just keep coming. Maybe the infection has something to do with that...maybe they can smell it. I don't know. I'm currently holed up in a nice little cave by the stream, so at least I have water, if nothing else. Cas is still a no show, even though I have prayed again and again. I'm really beginning to think that maybe he doesn't care whether I live or die. Whether we get out or not. It wouldn't surprise me.

How are you holding up, Sam? I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are, you're a smart kid, you know how to get by. I wish I could actually talk to you. I know, right, Dean Winchester actually wishes he had someone to talk to. I really do, though. Even if it would have to be a chick flick moment, that's okay with me. It's lonely here. There are only the monsters, and they don't do much more than scream. I guess that's what I get for torturing them though, so I can't complain. I miss how you always analyze me, though, and always seem to know when something is wrong. I miss trying to hide my pain from you, 'cause I sure as hell can't hide it from myself. I see everything here. There's no escaping myself. I see who I really am.

I am a coward, first and foremost. I run and hide whenever I get the chance. I can't fight anymore. It's too painful. For my leg especially. The infection is really spreading. Secondly, I am a piss poor excuse for a brother. I should have known that killing Dick would have had a negative side effect. I mean, when doesn't killing the big boss monster have a negative to it? It always does. I should have said goodbye, told you how much you mean to me. I just hope you know from my actions, but before I left I guess my actions weren't really the stuff of big brothers. I just drank and wallowed in self-pity, and now I see how wrong I was to do that. I should have stayed strong for you. I know you didn't really need it, because you don't need me, but I'm sure you wanted it. Wanted to know that your brother wasn't going out of his mind. But I guess that's all water under the bridge now. Thirdly, I am a ruthless killer with no remorse. I couldn't care less about the souls I have tortured and murdered. Actually, I guess I could care less, because I really enjoyed it. It still makes me smile. In a sick way, though. I know that it's wrong, but I can't seem to care that it is. So maybe I really truly am no better than what we hunt.

Since I'm probably dying here I guess I should say goodbye. I never got the chance. I don't even know where to begin. There's so much to say, so much that has yet to be said. I can't put it onto paper, I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't say goodbye yet, 'cause that means I'd be giving up, and I can't give up. Not yet. Not ever. I'm still holding out that you're looking for me, that you'll find a way to spring me soon enough. I know you're looking. You have to be. So I'm not saying goodbye yet. Not officially. I guess, rather, I'm saying a maybe goodbye. I might be dying. Maybe. If you get here in time, I won't die. If you don't, then this will be my last entry.

Purgatory is rough. I know I told you that before, but I didn't realize then how rough it is. It's non-stop combat, all the time, everywhere. The monsters come out of nowhere and just attack viciously and without meaning. They only know to fight, to kill, so I guess maybe I belong. It feels pure here. No grey. It's all black and white. No confusion. Just kill, or torture as it is in my case, or be killed. So I guess I can't really feel remorseful, because if I did, I wouldn't survive here. I'd have been dead a long time ago. The only reason death is looming over me now is because I was attacked by a pretty big pack of werewolves. I can't remember how many, just that they were huge, and they were coordinated. They had a plan when they found me, which leads me to believe that I was probably a target. They probably wanted revenge for my extra-curricular activities. I can't blame them, not really, but that doesn't mean I'm not pissed.

They attacked and one got the best of me. It pinned me down and raked at my leg, ribs, and arm with its nasty claws. That's probably where the infection came from, the claws. While it was focusing on making me puppy chow I stabbed it right in its heart with the demon knife. That's when I got lucky, 'cause the rest of the pack broke formation and just began attacking haphazardly. Because of them breaking rank, I managed to get the hell out of there and run. I ran far and fast, just like my first day here. I didn't stop until I couldn't go anymore, and that's when I killed them one by one as they showed up at my hole. It was easy then, they had let their guard down.

After I killed them off is when I wrote last. After I wrote to you I prayed to Cas again. And, again, he didn't answer. I know you probably think it's absurd that I'm still praying, but I can't just stop. I still fear he may be out there hurt somewhere, just unable to get to me. So I pray to him, to let him know that everything will be okay. That I'm going to find him. That I'll get us out of here if it's the last thing I do. I also pray to him because it helps me. It gives me hope. I don't know why, but it does, just as much as writing in this journal does. If I know you two are still out there somewhere, then I know I have to keep fighting. I know I can't give up. I'm not allowed. I have to look out for my pain in the ass little brother and my adopted angel of a brother. It's my job to look after you guys, and I can't just skip out on that, so I write and I pray. To remind myself that I have a purpose still. That I can't lose myself in torture and kills. I can't allow myself to become something other than Dean.

I don't know how I'm faring on that point. I still enjoy torture, so maybe that makes me less of who I am, or maybe it makes me more. Maybe I would have had a knack for torture even if I hadn't gone to Hell. Maybe it would have always come naturally to me, whether I wanted it or not. So maybe torturing is like killing. It was something I was always meant to do. But then that begs the question of Destiny. The one thing we dedicated a large portion of our lives to fighting. By saying that I was always meant to be good a torturer, am I conceding to the idea of destiny? Or am I just acknowledging the fact that I am a grade-A psychopath, and I am so because of my upbringing, not my soul? Not destiny? If Mom hadn't died, would I have still enjoyed torture and murder? I'd like to think that answer is no, but what I like is rarely my reality, so the answer is probably yes. Despite my dispute with Destiny, I think I would have always been a murderer. A psycho. The only thing is, is that in this life I kill the monsters. In the other life, I probably would have been the monster.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I can't regret my actions here. I can't be sorry. It's who I am. Purgatory fits me, as much as I hate it. I feel like I finally belong somewhere, but that doesn't mean I want to be here. I want more than anything to go home. To get back to you, Sammy. But I rarely get what I want, so I'll just keep trudging on for as long as my legs will carry me. Though, in the condition they're in, I don't think I will have much farther to go.

I know, I suck at goodbyes. Sorry about that. I just wanted you to understand why I reverted and resorted to the methods I have to gain information. To stay alive. It's because I need to stay alive, and it's who I am. Does that make me a bad person? If I die here, will I go to Hell again for my actions? Once again, I would like to think that the answer is no, so that probably means that it's really a yes. So if I do die here, Sam, don't come looking for me in Hell. I'll be fine. Don't do anything stupid. I don't think you will, though, I mean, you're New Sam, right? You don't carry the guilt anymore, remember? So, I guess I shouldn't worry about you seeking me out.

Wait, does that mean you aren't looking for me now? Wow. I never really thought about it, but you probably aren't. You probably haven't lifted a single finger to look for me. You probably found some pretty girl with a dog and a nice house, haven't you? I know we had that agreement, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I should have realized before, huh? You aren't looking for me. That's why I'm still here. Not because you can't find a solution, but because you're not trying. I thought it was taking a little long, I mean, you're the smartest person I know. I knew it shouldn't have been taking you this long to figure it out.

You really aren't looking, huh? I guess I'll have to go with plan B then and find Cas and find my own way out. Not that I'm coming back for you now. I mean, I am, but I'm not. Maybe I'm just hurt right now, because my little brother, the only person in the whole entire world that I trust, isn't looking for me. You know I am coming back because of you, but just let me have a moment of pettiness to think that I'm not. That I'm going back to get Cas out of here and nothing more. I know it's a lie, but right now I feel justified in that lie. You should have looked for me. After everything I have done for you.

Maybe this is the infection talking. I don't mean what I wrote, Sam. Any of it. I'm just upset. You would be too. Of course I'm coming back for you, as well as Cas, because I sure ain't coming back for myself. I don't know. I'm torn between thinking you need me and thinking that you don't. I don't know what the truth is anymore. I can't tell reality from my own dark thoughts. Maybe you are looking, maybe I'm just being paranoid. That's it. I'm just paranoid. This infection is just getting to my head. That's all. It's all just a crack theory produced by a fevered brain. I know you're looking, and I'm sorry I doubted you. I know I shouldn't have.

I'll keep my faith in you. It's all I have left. Without that, I have nothing. Nothing at all. Cas isn't answering, so you're all I've got. I think. Like I said, it's getting hard to tell what's real and what my brain has cooked up. I guess it might be a side effect of not having anyone to talk to. Your brain just thinks and thinks and warps ideas and thoughts until the truth is unrecognizable and becomes tangled in the lies until they're one and the same. The only things I know for certain are that you are my little brother and my job is to protect you. No matter what. I have to watch out for you. At least that's one thing that can never be warped. It's the one constant I have ever had, even when you walked out all those times, the notion of having to watch out for you always remained. I always looked out for you, and I'm not about to stop now.

So I'm going to fight this infection as best I can, even though it is a losing battle. I can feel it already, the fever. It's rising, and fast, too. I know because I'm cold and hot at the same time. I'm seeing shadows moving and I swear some of them look like you. Have you finally made it? Are you finally here to get me? Am I saved?

I guess not, 'cause you moved on. Maybe you just didn't see me. I can't exactly yell for you, my throat is so dry that speech is impossible. I'm even finding it difficult to write. I'm sure you can tell from the wobbliness, if that's even a word. Is it a word? Who knows. Bye, Sammy. I hope that was you. I hope you turn around...and find me here. Please...Sam...hurry. I can feel...the darkness...it's coming. Fast.

* * *

_Cas,_

_It's Dean. Listen, I'm not doin' so good. I'm probably not going to make the night, but don't tell Sam that. I tried not to...worry him, but you know him. He'll worry if it's even just...a scratch. So don't...tell him. How...are...you doing? Are you...okay? I wish you would...let me...know. Stay safe...Cas, and stay...by..._

**AN: I hope you enjoyed it! Please review and tell me what you think! If you have any suggestions, I'm open to them. Thanks for reading. (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**I do not own Supernatural.**

**I know this is a short chapter and it's been awhile since I have updated, so I apologize. This is mostly a filler chapter and it was very forced. The next one will be much more interesting; Benny will be coming!**

Day 50-something

Sam,

I know you're probably wondering how in the world I am even writing to you right now, and I have to say that I have no idea how I am. How I didn't die after the last time I wrote to you. I could sit here and think that maybe it was Cas, hope that it was Cas, but when it all comes down to the bottom line, I know it wasn't him. I know what Cas feels like, his healing powers, the way I always feel afterwards, as if I have been purified. I didn't feel like that, so I know it wasn't Cas.

When I woke up God knows how much later after writing to you, I just felt dirty. I felt violated, even. There's no better way to describe it than that, so whatever fixed me up wasn't good. It's been quite a few days since that time, so I have stopped searching for whatever healed me. My best bet would be Purgatory itself, though I know it doesn't make sense, it makes the best sense. What else, other than Cas, has the power to heal? None of the monsters here do.

I don't know why Purgatory wouldn't just let me die. I really wanted to, in a way. I mean, who wants to live here? In this place? It's dirty, smelly, and bloody. It's just not a good place to be. I'm glad, however, that it's me here and not you. I don't know how I would have been able to handle it knowing you were here, so kudos to you if you are handling knowing I'm here. Do you even know I'm here? If I'm going to be honest with myself, then you probably don't know, and that's okay. You're a smart kid, you'll figure it out. I have all the faith in the world in that.

Man, right now I could seriously go for a cheeseburger. Eating Bambi and Thumper is getting old fast. Mmm, what I wouldn't kill for a cheeseburger with bacon and a fried egg on top, fries, and a beer. Yum. I better stop while I'm ahead, I'm making myself hungry.

I miss the everyday things about home. I miss being able to jump in the impala and just grab a burger, being able to just hop on the computer and find out whatever I need about a monster, or even having to do laundry. Yeah, laundry. I fuckin' smell, dude, and not in the good way either.

So, on a darker note, I have battled more monsters in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life put together. I don't know what's goin' on here, Man. They're all just comin' at me out of nowhere and they're comin' in droves. It's not just one at a time anymore, even the vamps are attacking in packs. Maybe I'm just that good. I think I've got them scared, Sammy. How fuckin' awesome is that? _I'm _the thing the _monsters_ are afraid of. And damn, does it feel good!

Sammy, I know we were some pretty big shit up top, and you probably still are, but I mean, these monsters are _scared._ They are so fucking scared that they feel the need to attack lowly old me in a pack. They're too afraid to try to take me one on one. I've made quite the reputation for myself here. It'll be a shame to leave it behind, to have to face monsters that aren't necessarily afraid of me. But I guess I'll just have to show them up top, too, who Dean Winchester really is.

It's gotten easier living here. No more enjoyable, but easier. Okay, maybe I was lying about the enjoyable part, because I fucking love this. Not the dirt, heat, and smell, but the hunt. I love being a predator. I feel like a lion, like the king of the world. I'm the monster that they check for under their beds before they go to sleep, so to say. I've gotten the hang of balancing running and fighting with hiding, so I'm not constantly exhausted anymore. I've figured out when and where it's okay to sleep without putting myself at risk. And, because I'm not so tired anymore, I don't make as many mistakes and, therefore, don't get injured as much. I'm always bloody, though. I can't wash the smell of blood away, no matter how hard I try.

I still haven't found Cas, though I've been looking. The son of a bitch knows how to hide, I'll give him that. I still pray to him, I guess because I hope he'll find his way back to me, but maybe it's for my own sanity, like writing in this journal is. I think I'd go insane if I didn't have somewhere to put down all my thoughts, so thanks, Sammy, for being here for me.

I give Cas updates on my general well-being and tell him how shitty my day was, while I ask where the hell he is and what the hell he's doing and why the fuck isn't he here with me? I don't know if I'll ever get a reply, or if I'll ever see him again. Oh, God, do I hope that's not the case. He's my best friend, my only friend, really. I can't go through that again, him being gone. I can't do it again. When I thought the Leviathans killed him, it was bad enough, but to know he'd still be alive in here, in monsterland? No, I can't do that. So I've stopped searching for a way out. I'll start again once I find Cas. I refuse to leave here without him, because as much as I hate to admit it, I need him. I really do. I don't expect you to understand, because when he raised you from Hell he forgot an important piece, but he is everything to me. Not like you are, he's different.

God, I sound like a fucking girl. Talking about how I need someone, let alone that that someone is male and not you. It's perfectly okay if I say I need you, you're my brother and that should be obvious, but he's just an angel. He isn't even human. But maybe that's the point, I don't know, I don't like reading into this stuff. He's my friend and I hate being without him, nothing more, nothing less. Even when he went power-crazy and became God, I still had faith in him that he would fix it, because it's Cas, and how could I not have faith in him? After everything he's done for us? For me?

I can't leave him here, Sam. I know I already said that, but I just can't. I can't let him down again. I can't leave him behind again. I can't fail him again. He's my only friend and all I have done is fail him again and again and I refuse to do it again. I'll get us out of here, even if I die trying. It's the only thing I got right now. Cas is the only thing I have that will get me out here, because I won't leave him again. I'll stay here, ad libitum, until I find him.

* * *

_Cas,_

_It's me. Again. Listen, I'm doin' good, I've got it all figured out. I want to know how you're doing. I want to know if you're hurt or what. What is going on, man? Why aren't you here? I'm looking for you, Cas, and I'm not leaving here without you. Just stay put, wherever you are, and I'll find you, buddy. I'll find you._

**Review and let me know what you think! I hope it wasn't as awful as I think it is.**


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